How to get into BDSM

A Very Brief Primer on Getting Started in the BDSM Community

Step 1: Are you interested in BDSM?
Well? Are ya? This is something you just have to answer for yourself. A lot of kinksters feel like they've always been fascinated by pain, capitivity, and/or servitude; some only gain an interest when they learn about BDSM as adults. Two things that are important to know here:

1) What kind of interest do you have in BDSM? BDSM is what you and your partner(s) make it, so never feel that you have to do it "correctly"--anything safe and consensual is correct. So suss out, maybe even write down, what parts of BDSM interest you and in what role or roles you see yourself. Do you want to experience physical pain, or give it? Do you want to experience humiliation, or give it? Do you want to serve others, or to be served? Do you have specific fantasies or fetishes you want to fulfill? This stuff is all a la carte, remember, and there's no reason you can't receive pain while being dominant or neutral, or want to command someone but not hurt them, or any of a zillion other combinations. And whether, when, and how you add sex to this mix is also a la carte.

While many of these desires will come from or change with your experiences in BDSM, and while "I don't know, I'd have to try it" is a legitimate answer to the questions above, it's a good idea to have at least a rough idea to begin with. The more you know about what you want, the better your kinky experiences will be.

2) If you just want "sex, but spicier," you are probably not kinky, or at least don't have a thorough understanding of what kink entails. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with someone who wears tight black stuff and has a femme-fatale demeanor, but that's not really what the BDSM community is about. If that's all you want, you don't really need to get into BDSM at all, but simply try to get your vanilla partners to add that in.

Although kink and sex are often mixed, the kink community is not a swingers' or free-love community; there are more people here that will beat you but not fuck you than vice versa.


Step 2: The Internets.
Hands-down, the best site for BDSM socialization is Fetlife. It's not a dating site, and to this end it deliberately does not allow you to search for people along parameters like "submissive women under 30 in Boston." The point of Fetlife isn't to find individuals to hit up for play, but to find events in your locality and discussion groups about your interests. If you become a serious member of the BDSM community, kinky friends will be a far greater asset than partners--get people to talk with first, people to commit acts of sexual violence with second.

Kinky friends will teach you BDSM skills, tell you who's good people and who's not, tip you off to secret things that aren't talked about on the Internet, become your partners or help you find partners, and help you keep some goddamn perspective in our wacky mirror-world. They're a wonderful thing to have and will make your life in BDSM a million times more fun and real. You may crave partners, but you need friends.


Step 3: Your First Munch.
A munch is a public meeting of kinky folk where everyone just talks and socializes. These are easier to find in major metropolitan areas, of course, but there are some munches all over; check "events near me" in Fetlife. Dress in normal street clothes and don't expect any play. Do expect to be pleasantly surprised by the diversity, vivacity, openness, and "hey, these are just people"-ness of your local kink community. And while it's lovely to meet a partner at a munch, don't expect to, especially the first time out; as online, Objective Number One is to build up a strong support network of friends.

Once you start meeting people in person, remember that You Do Not Talk About Kink Club. BDSM is still illegal in a lot of places and frowned upon in most, and you don't know who's "out" to their friends and families, much less employers. Don't call people by their "scene names" outside kinky contexts (not only is yelling "Hey Mistress DarkFyre!" at someone on the street gauche, but yelling "Hey Jennifer!" can also cause her problems if the people she's with don't know her as Jennifer) and don't talk about who attends kinky events. Don't talk about where or when kinky events are, either. Careless words can absolutely devastate people and sometimes entire scenes.

Also, three notes on kink etiquette:
1) Don't touch people or their toys, even casually, without asking.
2) Call people by the names and pronouns they give you, even if they seem hopelessly silly.
3) Do not act submissive or dominant to someone unless you have negotiated this with them. (And don't let anyone do this to you.) You're all just people and all equals until you specifically agree to act otherwise.


Step 4: Actually Playing.
This part I can't cover in a quickie one-post guide, but I'll hit the highlights:

-Playing at a party, or with non-participating friends around, is much safer than playing one-on-one. This goes double if your play involves bondage. Use a lot of judgement and vetting before you let someone hurt you or tie you up when there's no one around who would hear you scream. (If you're a top, you're somewhat safer, but there are still untrustworthy or downright dangerous bottoms around, so it's still a good idea to have your first play experiences somewhere with witnesses.) If you are going to play with someone one-on-one, get your kinky friends' opinion on them first or make sure you know them damnwell. Before the date, tell a kinky or sympathetic friend who you'll be with and where, and make sure your partner knows that your friend knows.

-Negotiate! That is, before you and your partner lay a finger on each other, sit down and talk about what it is that you propose to do to each other and what you absolutely mustn't do. No need to script the whole scene, but get an idea of what they're looking for--being hit? how hard? being given orders? to do what?--and of their limits. There is no "usual" and almost nothing "goes without saying."

-Always have a safeword. This is a word that stops everything dead. It's the emergency brake, the circuit breaker, the ejection seat. The instant someone uses it, you don't argue and you don't question; you immediately let them out of any bondage, stop any stimulation, drop your role, and just let them cool down. Sometimes that means cuddling them and sometimes it means not touching them, but either way, stay in cool-down mode until you've talked about exactly why they used it and whether they want to start again or call it a day.

Don't be afraid to use your safeword. It doesn't mean you're not strong enough or "real" enough or you're accusing them of doing something wrong. It just means that they're not a mindreader and didn't realize you were feeling bad about what was happening(physically or emotionally), and there's no reason you should tolerate feeling bad in a recreational activity. Relieve them of the need to mindread and tell them.

I like to use a "stoplight" safeword system--red is the true emergency brake, yellow means "ease up, but I'm not done" (I'll also use it to state my needs, as in "yellow, it's hard for me to breathe in this position"), and green means "this is awesome, don't you worry about me, keep on doing the awesome stuff."

Every bit of this goes for tops too.

-Experiment. Within the limits of safety and consensuality, never be afraid to break the mold of what play is "supposed" to look like. Sometimes it's one of you naked and cuffed to a St. Andrew's Cross being flogged; sometimes it's two clothed people on a sofa just using their bare hands. Sometimes it'll have you laughing your ass off, sometimes it'll have you fighting back, sometimes it'll have you in an altered state, sometimes it'll have you coming your brains out. It's all a la carte and you are not doing it wrong.


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